Lonely in a Crowd

The Desperate Need to Recreate Deep Communities

Happy Thursday, and welcome to our new subscribers! Thanks for coming along as we journey into deep discipleship.

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You’ve Got a Friend in Me?

Back in 2020, Dr. Mike Frost wrote an article titled “The Lonely Crowd: Churches Dying Due to Friendlessness.”

He wrote:

“I’ve lost count of the number of Christians who’ve told me they either stopped attending church or left their church to join another because they couldn’t make any friends there.”

This isn’t just a church problem; it’s a societal crisis. Citing a major sociological study, Frost notes:

“People were asked to list their friends in response to the question, ‘Over the last six months, who are the people with whom you discussed matters important to you?’
In 1985, the most common number of friends listed was three…
By 2004, the most common number was zero.
Only 37 percent listed three or more friends.
In 1985, just 10 percent of people had no confidants.
By 2004, that number had jumped to 25 percent.”

In other words, one in four people had no one to share their lives with.”

Granted, that study concluded over 20 years ago. But given the rise of digital life and the dominance of social media, it’s hard to believe the situation has improved.

Frost identifies three reasons why people struggle to form genuine friendships in church:

1. Church people aren’t good listeners

2. Church people struggle to be vulnerable

3. Church people are too busy

As reluctant as I am to admit it, these line up with much of our personal experience.

Jessica and I were part of a growing local congregation for several years. We got involved—we led a small group, volunteered regularly, participated in Bible studies, and attended retreats. Jessica even went on a mission trip with other members.

But after about three years, we sat in service one Sunday and realized we still knew very few people—and the ones we did know, we didn’t know deeply. It dawned on us: this church wasn’t structured to cultivate deep relationships. It was designed to make converts, not disciples.

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The Movement

Let’s look at this through another lens.

I first encountered the term spiritual formation about five years ago. Definitions and opinions vary, but the core idea is becoming more like Jesus from the inside out. Many who are drawn to spiritual formation consider it synonymous with discipleship.

Roughly fifty years ago, a quiet movement emerged to reclaim what seemed to be missing in much of modern Christianity: the slow, intentional shaping of the inner life. Rather than focusing solely on knowledge or external behavior, it emphasizes the transformation of the heart. Thinkers like Dallas Willard, Ruth Haley Barton, Richard Foster, and Henri Nouwen became key voices.

As I studied this movement, I discovered a wealth of thoughtful books and media, restorative retreats, and a growing number of spiritual directors. But what I didn’t find were small, long-term communities committed to journeying together in spiritual formation.

If Frost is correct, and traditional churches often lack deep listening and vulnerability… and if the spiritual formation movement hasn't consistently produced committed, attuned communities either… then what’s going on?

The Formation Gap

As we explore The Great Omission—the modern Church’s struggle to make genuine disciples—we’re considering three major challenges:

1. The Discipleship Dilemma

2. The Formation Gap

3. The Forgotten Kingdom

We’re currently focusing on the second challenge: the lack of intentional communities that guide us in formation.

Virtually every example of true apprenticeship—becoming like someone else—includes five core elements: time, habits, community, intimacy, and instruction. Yet most modern expressions of Christianity only emphasize one: instruction. That’s partly due to Enlightenment thinking (thanks, Descartes), which incorrectly taught us that we are what we think.

We might get a dose of community through a small group or Bible study, but time and intimacy are rarely emphasized. And it’s hard to develop formative habits with people we barely know.

Yet our hearts still long for what we see in sitcoms: a close-knit, honest, authentic, committed group of friends who embrace our flaws, stick around when life gets hard, and walk with us through suffering.

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So What’s the Deal?

If we crave small, trustworthy communities—and if we’re helped by them—why are they so rare in both traditional churches and newer formation-oriented efforts?

There are plenty of reasons: digital disconnection, individualism, transient lifestyles, distraction, and entertainment overload.

A friend of mine spent over thirty years as a pastor and denominational leader. He was the definition of an “insider.” Now, he quietly offers soul care to weary souls - some who know Jesus, some who used to, and some who don’t.

I once asked him:
“How many churches have you seen that intentionally help people become like Jesus in small, ongoing communities?”

He paused and said:
“In all my years of travel and study, only one.”

“One? Seriously?” I asked.

“Yes. Because real discipleship is messy. It’s slow. It requires broken people to walk together, listen well, stay committed, and offer grace. And honestly, churches can meet their budgets without doing any of that. It’s far easier to run programs and preach sermons than to engage in real spiritual formation.”

Are We Fish?

Still, I wonder if the Formation Gap runs even deeper.

There’s a story about a fish who’s asked what it feels like to be wet. The fish replies, “What’s ‘wet’?” It’s never known anything else.

Maybe that’s our situation. Perhaps loneliness and surface-level relationships are so normalized that we don’t realize there’s anything different. We feel the ache for intimacy, but it doesn’t connect with our conscious mind. We assume life is meant to be individualistic, fragmented, and busy—even though something inside us keeps crying out for more.

As Mother Teresa said:

“In the West, there is a loneliness I call the leprosy of the West. In many ways, it is worse than our poor in Calcutta.”

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Next week, we’ll dig deeper into the causes of the Formation Gap—and explore some hopeful ways to begin bridging it.

Duc in altum,
Brian
Soil & Roots

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